I've been in hibernation for a wee while..
..and now I've become a little carried away. There’s so much to express that I hadn’t comprehended my writings on this experience would empower this much space – it’s a tad long-winded and I’m sorry. So be it. You may be interested and dulled out. Read if you wish!
Be patient and persistent, patient and persistent.
You’re bound to be successful, bound to be successful.
Wise words.
.Pre-
Bangkok’s a city where as a traveller you are plagued with a variety of peculiar personalities. I was lucky enough to stumble across two magnetic characters, both on separate occasions, both, of whom were old students, were also able to remind me of the beauty that exudes from one of the most ancient meditation techniques.
I’d first heard of this technique back in 2009 whilst roaming through the Indian Himalayas. Ten days of full silence? Meditating? I can barely manage ten minutes! Not in the slightest bordering of possible.
Three years later, a (Chinese) new year, a new start, naturally no definite short-term plans as of yet - I felt ready. After much craved thought I scoured nervously through the
Dhamma website in hope of finding a centre with space. So with great and fortunate delight my eyes lit upon finding availability in a perfect location in three weeks time. It’s not until a few days before the retreat commenced, I realised I had my place confirmed which proposed a concoction of puzzling thoughts - excitement, anxiousness, disappointment and unwillingness. Reviewing the daunting timetable of the ten-day schedule did not add balm to wound. So, Vipassana meditation retreat in Kanchanaburi, Thailand 8th-19th Feb 2012 - here I was coming.
With great obscurity, I must admit, I’d ignorantly signed up without at least half the knowledge of the meditation technique other than the fact it fuelled an interesting journey and not one person I knew had regretted doing it. Ha! Was I in for an experience…
.Beginnings-
8th February had come by too soon and my nerves mightily enhanced. 'My life is coming to an end!' I’d dramatically thought - nightmares of imprisonment had crossed my mind. I made conscious efforts on the ‘last time’ I’d be able to read a book, listen to music, write in my diary, eat meat, drink a fizzy drink, sip some beer, smell tobacco and ultimately TALK. Such exaggerated antics, I should have known this was not the way to go about it.
Early morning, the spotless double decker bus full of Vipassana students drove steadily from Bangkok. Having nabbed my seat, I was reluctant in speaking to anyone not only because I was tired but for fear of ‘breaking the rules’ – complete dismissive realisation that we hadn’t actually started the silence conduct yet – though the atmosphere on the bus was of great reflection to this rule. It’s not until the lunch stop, I managed to utter a conversation with a smiley fellow Belgian foreigner..i finally felt at ease! Eventually I got talking to the sweet giggly Thai girl next to me - it seemed, she too, had calmed. Progressively, the bus became slightly more boisterous and emanating were giggles and sharp tweets.
Six lush-green-window-viewing hours of motorways and windy natural roads later led us to a beautiful centre which lay peacefully in the Kanchanaburi state. The vivid, lush green, jungle-like-forest catered the clean and extremely organised centre exceptionally well. The registration process had begun – It had been reiterated that we were signing up to the course with promise that we would stay for the full ten days i.e. signing your life away! Mobile phones, laptops, wallets, reading/writing material, music devices, religious symbols were handed in and locked away..along with any outside food or drink to be disposed of. My room 102 was a neat gem located at the end of the building and well equipped with a bed, fan, desk, stall, bathroom, torch, detergent and mop/broom…….Other students were housed in bungalows in the forest – I had a feeling they were amongst the first to sign up to the retreat and the late signers were located in the basement of the main building i.e. Me! I was happy anyhow. Very much so. The centre had reached higher than my humble expectations.
.Intro-
5pm, and our first Vipassana vegetarian meal was introduced to us. It’s here I realised how beyond spoilt (food-wise) we’d be over the next ten days. To be showered with choices, choices and more choices of staples such as red rice, noodles, ground black sesame seeds, nuts and tasteful tofu, hearty salads, sour soups, lemongrass, juicy shitake mushrooms, deep greens, strange but delightful Thai desserts much containing sweetcorn, fruits galore (papaya/watermelon/pineapple namely). A selection of spreads on bread (discovered a favourite spread: sesame chocolate), biscuits…blahhhhh…. Massive and endowed compliments to the chef(s). I must have been one of the few or so women that had managed to grip the attention of others as my plate was always
always full. ‘I’ve got to get my nutrients in!’ That was my main excuse. A valid one I suppose. However I blame my psychological fear of not being able to eat a proper meal after 12pm! Tea time did, I discovered, consist of more than just tea. We, the new students, were able to help ourselves to bread and biscuit snacks. I sympathised for the old students however, who were only able to stick to the liquids sipping on juice/tea during this break period.
After a short introductory talk which comprised of listing the rules (no yoga and no distractions, no sexual activity, required Vipassana dress – no short sleeves, shorts..) and yet another reminder of sticking to the ten days, I seem to memorise my ‘last’ conversation well - asking a Lithuanian girl where she was from, how we hadn’t realised that Kanchanaburi was a province and not a town (!), and expressing how nervous I was. She (Gintare) calmly replied, ‘ah, you don’t need to be nervous’.
Famous last words..settling as it was, I couldn’t take her advice on board. As noble silence was about to commence, we were to sit and wait for our ‘cushion’ number. Amongst the noble silence, eye contact was not permitted as well as gestures or any form of non-verbal communication. So this is where it begun. Cushion 37 I was. Cushion 37 is where I would be meditatively sitting for the next days. We, the ladies, lined up in sheer silence and slowly marched one by one into the dark and mysterious meditation hall and located ourselves to our allocated numbered cushion. The blue cushion was nearing the back of the openly spaced hall and I placed myself in cross-legged position ever-so quietly and neatly. It so happens I was next to the girl I’d sat next to on the bus and the Lithuanian girl.
By golly, it was here that I appreciated the numbers. Of the 80 odd students, a quarter were men, plus 4-5 monks – about 80% being Thai. Our teacher was
S.N. Goenka – but Goenka, of course, was not to be seen and was trapped on an audio tape or a DVD. Our assistant teacher; a Thai monk, was a gracious chap who barely spoke and when he did, it was voiced so patiently and so calmly.
A cult? A prison? Torture? Yikes. These were only a few of the questions racing through my weak mind, especially after hearing the first chants of Goenka. My immature mind chuckled at the seemingly off-putting chants. Goenka introduced and once again we were reminded of the length of the retreat. We were then sent to rest for our 4am wake-up call was only seven hours away.
.Summarised nibbles-
I’ll avoid boring you with specific details of the entire meditation. As a summary…
The first day was by far the toughest day. Another nine days of this!? Nooo. It wasn’t just the silence factor, it was coupled with the dire pain of the sitting position. Exhausting. My excessive fidgeting transferred from crossed legged to kneeling or stretching – and I wasn’t the only one not being stationary. Not being able to point our feet towards the teacher (for sheer respect – not sure if this was a Thai or Vipassana rule) did not add any comfort factor. My cry for pains were silent..copious thoughts zigzagging infuriatingly through my mind – 90% of them negative; full of worry, anxiety, impurities. I did try my best to focus on the present, the present reality… ‘as it is’. Tough stuff. Immensely.
By Day 4 – Halleiluah! I’d managed to find my relatively comfortable sitting position; sitting on one cushion with two smaller cushions under my left knee and one under my right. It couldn’t have been more convenient as I’d discovered this comfortable position JUST before we were to be introduced to the Vipassana technique. It was from Day 4 that we were required to sit three 1-hour sittings per day of pure self-discipline – no movement, silence..just you and the Vipassana technique. An itch, a tickle, a tingle, heat, cold, perspiration, a pain, - you may feel… just observe and move on. I always awaited these one hour periods with much anxiousness. In one day, I would have a pallet of emotions sweeping through my mind; so many pains, so many gains. I had to ignore the fact that a morning could be gloriously meditative, whereas by the afternoon, I would simply slump and be out of clear focus – bordering on ADD. It was time to focus on the present.
Noble silence it was. Though not entirely! There are exceptions to this rule. The only times I did use my voice box was when I either spoke to myself (a rareity-so I’d like to think!), interviews with the assistant monk teacher (where he would question how we were doing and offer any advice) and pleading the ‘Dhamma Servers’ for toilet paper.
A multitude of grumbles, groans, shuffles, sneezes, coughs, burps and sniffles you may hear or experience, and surprisingly only one short, sharp and extremely loud FART was encountered (and it wasn't me!). It was the end of Day 2, and the assistant teacher had just given us a set of new instructions..The noise approached from behind me in a chirpy, confident and explicit manner and my worrrd, once again my immature mind was bouncing off all walls. I tried intuitively to remain serious and focused, but hearing my neighbour cough and consequently one of her coughs turn into a small snigger, I then found it extremely hard to contain myself. My eyes forcibly remained closed. Surprisingly I managed to remain silent with the PAIN of desperate notions to laugh. Fortunately it was the end of the day, and I ran to my room laughing. This moment had extracted some relaxation and I felt a surge of ease flow through me, however, to be in silence and to be forced into laughter – this was another experience of pain. My weak focus had been disrupted and I felt belligerently annoyed in some minor way that my quiet mind had been eluded with such a distraction as from then on as I was laughing intermittently to myself for days. I’m still sniggering now.
To have ants crawling over your skin, to have mosquitoes sucking your innocent blood (after forgetting to apply repellent), to be embroiled in stifling Thai afternoon heat, to feel pains of self-inflicted indigestion...these are pains that must be observed, accepted and moved on. Tricky stuff.
In summary, the technique is simple yet so fragile and hard to achieve BUT once you achieve this equanimous state, you realise how wonderful and cleansed you may feel. Sensational. And Goenka, on his dated recordings… so calming, reminding us again and again to work patiently, peacefully, persistently, diligently, intelligently. Vipassana aims to rid any impurities and negative thoughts (craving and aversion) through a style that is so scientific and logical. It is the law of nature – the law that everything is impermanent. Impermanence. Impermanence ('Anicca' in Pali language). Whilst I may sound spiritual, it really doesn’t beg to be religious in any way – that be the ultimate beauty.
.Finale-
On Day 9, I managed with great focus to achieve my one and only adrenaline rush. Boy, it was a beautiful moment. There’s nothing much to feel besides a burst of adrenaline and brightness. Beautiful. The euphoric sensation of Vipassana is much akin, people say, to the effect of
drug consumption. With strenuous focus, you
are able to achieve this ecstatic heavenly feeling..
naturally. Myself, for numerous years, also being a regular victim of
sleep paralysis can connect the technique's effects to those weird electrical rushed sensations I come across every now and again. So all those times my Chinese traditions tell me sleep paralysis occurs when a ghost pays you a visit by sitting on you, I will think twice...I suppose there is a psychological science to it afterall!
It was also on Day 9 I realised that the next day was not actually going to be the last day. I, with great joy, becoming tired of meditating, was looking forward to Day 10 – which meant leaving the retreat. How liberating?! Plentiful exciting plans and what-not. It’s not until I captured the new sign on the Vipassana noticeboard which read ‘The course will end the day after tomorrow’. ‘What the heck?! Noooo….’. Naughtily I referred to my diary and repeatedly counted the days on all fingers about 8 times. Oh silly me, we were actually ending on Day 11. Silly, silly me. Though, to my minor joy, I hadn’t realised that on Day 10, we were able to speak after 10am.. not so bad afterall.
By Day 10, 10am, post our final meditation in noble silence, an abundance of emotions swam through me. I welled up and cried. Salty tears were streaming from my eyes. They were tears of happiness, liberation, finale and beyond that, really, I don’t know what else. As I sat there and sniffled, the students slowly got up, walked out and I could hear faint murmurings of excitable conversation and laughing. Eventually I rose and with great numbness, stumbled out, tears still rolling slowly from my ducts. And tears heightened when witnessing the Thai ladies hugging and crying. We bowed to each other – blessing one another and it’s here I walk to my room, sniffling still. Breaaaaathe. It took me a few moments before coming out to brave the world and here I came face to face with Julie from France. Her eyes glowing and mouth brimming a wholesome ear-to-ear smile. My arms reach out in wide span ready to embrace a hug. We hug, we grasp and we cry in each other’s arms, for what seems a while. We found it hard to utter any words. Wonderful. I felt dazed and speechless. I meet with other students and we congratulate one another. With silence now a distant memory, unanswered questions from the ten days shower our minds. The sweet Thai ladies are interested where I’m from. Most assuming I was from Singapore, Korea or Myanmar (as I often wore my labelled Myanmar T-shirts during the retreat). Wrong! ‘But you have Asian face’. The Wong is from England. That surprises them!
The noise in the centre is now almost deafening! We talk, we bless one another, we laugh, we exchange trusted beaming smiles, we make eye contact, we exchange experiences, we hug - and then get reprimanded by the 'Dhamma Servers' as bodily contact is still not permitted until morning of Day 11!
.Reflections-
As shallow as this may sound, I realised that all the female foreigners on this Vipassana course were attractive, all of differing nationalities and from such a variety of interesting backgrounds. Yep, wonderful.
Post Vipassana, I’ve heard people say they manage to discover a deeper meaning of themselves. After travelling in solitude for an extensive period, I feel I’ve had a little head start in finding myself in this way. I wouldn’t say I’ve discovered more about myself –the discovery has, however, been magnified and through this emotional journey, I’ve discovered methods on working on it…beaauuuitful. After this 'Indian brain surgery', I feel cleansed, hollow and emptier - emptiness not in a negative aspect, moreso in a calm aura with a sense that I'm able to tackle everyday activities in a differing focused perspective.
There were numerous ‘old students’ on my retreat, and after completing these ten days, I understand
why they return again and again (one man from Japan was on his 17th retreat!). So, the question looms…will I do it again? Am I willing to commit to another 100 meditative hours over 10 days? After a hopeful amount of daily practice… for sure. And for you, too.
Diligence!
Be patient and persistent, patient and persistent.
You’re bound to be successful, bound to be successful.
And on that note; whilst in your peaceful and present mind, be happy ☺
Photos below:
top left> the lush green female walking area and bungalows. top right> an area of the female dining hall.
bottom left> a handful of happy foreigners during Vipassana afterhours.
bottom right> laden with nature - the female side of the centre.
I’m a creature of heat comfort - largely so. I spent my early days in Sa Pa drenched in a gloom of mist. These futile days, being cold and slightly painful, restricted me from just about doing anything.
I’m a creature of heat comfort - largely so. I spent my early days in Sa Pa drenched in a gloom of mist. These futile days, being cold and slightly painful, restricted me from just about doing anything.
